Monday, October 2, 2017

Moving forward

I think things are better.  I still have moments of anxiety.  It mostly rears its ugly head when there's a possibility of a mess or too much money spent.  If I overcrowd my schedule, I tend to have an anxiety attack, so I'm learning how to not do that without getting rid of everything.

I'm thinking more clearly, lately.  I've been in better control of my thoughts and actually get things done instead of just overthinking them.  I've learned how to better manage my time and keep things going instead of just being run over by life.

I still try to immerse myself in all things spiritual, when I can.  I'm learning more about being a mother and not feeling guilty all the time by not owning my kids' choices.  I'm learning to communicate better with my husband.

In all, I think going off medication was one of the best things I could've done for my progression in many ways.  I'd do it, again.

Moving forward.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017


Anxiety is my constant companion, these days.  It's there... all the time.  When I wake up, I feel it weighing me down.  It's all I can do to get out of bed.  After I drop my kids off at school, it gets heavier.

I remember this feeling - like I've always known it.  Always worrying.  Always not feeling good enough.  Always panicking.  Always on the edge of rage.  Always tense and constricted in my chest.  It's always been there.  I never knew it was there until it wasn't.  That's what I noticed very first about the meds I started taking for my postpartum depression - the lack of anxiety.  I didn't yell, anymore.  Crumbs didn't drive me mad, anymore.  Messes were still messes but without the world coming to an end.  I could finally deal.  I could breathe.

But those meds started making me crazy.  I found myself wanting to end.  And since I know too much for that to become a reality, I found myself wanting to cut myself.  I could see how that would actually be a release for the anguish that was flooding my thoughts.  I'm thankful I was still "there" enough to recognize the need to get out while I still had a glimpse of who I was.  So, I stopped the meds.

But, the anxiety.  I don't think there's a day that goes by I don't cry or feel guilty or want to scream.  

I was told in a blessing that if I exercise, if I read my scriptures, I will be healed.  I've been told that my whole life.

I've got the scriptures part done.  I read them every day.  I know I could be better at actually studying them, but I'm reading them and that's more than I've done in years.  

The exercise part, though.  The time slot during my day for that would be 5:45 am, after I drop my kids off at seminary.  All I want to do that early in the morning is crawl back under my weighted blanket that makes me feel safe and held, down.  I don't want to stay awake.  The rest of my days are literally packed, hour to hour, with going and doing.  After the boys go to bed at night, all I want to do is sit and not do or be, anymore.  

I keep thinking about my thyroid and how it might actually be the culprit and maybe it has been all my life.  I'm on meds for that.  But it's only been a month and I've read it can take up to 6-8 weeks for the effect to take place.  I think that's an excuse, though.  Like I'm avoiding the obvious.  I feel like one of the people in the bible who simply had to look up to be healed... and I'm not doing it.

Make the time.  That's what my blessing said, quite specifically.  Make the time.

I have been trying, today, to have a conversation with myself.  I remind myself how awful this feels and how, yes, it would be hard to stay up in the morning and actually do something physical.  But it would be better than this.  It would make this go away.  I would be able to deal, again.  I would be able to breathe.  I need to make this a habit before my son drives and I don't have to take them to seminary, anymore.  I need to make this a habit before it gets dark in the morning and I really won't want to get out of bed until the last minute.  I feel so desperate for this to happen but can't seem to find it in myself to take that first step.  

But I know the Lord will hold me up.  He'll help me take that step if I just let Him.  I need to let Him.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017


I know why the Lord gives us trials.

I may have said, before, I feel as though I've been stripped of my very self.  In my head, I see a flat surface where I used to be.  I feel like I need to build what was there, back up.

So many heart-wrenching things have been finding their way through my mind, lately.  That seems extreme, as I re-read it.  But in the moment, that's how it has felt.  It's almost as though I'm raw and extremely sensitive to anything emotional in any way because I need to relearn how to regulate those emotions.

I've been clinging to the Lord.  I can't imagine going through this without Him.

As I do this, I'm learning that this is happening for a reason.  More than many, I'm sure.  But one for sure:  so I can be close to Him.

I know it's been said we only really turn to Him in times of sorrow or adversity.  If I was my happy, cheerful self, would I be as aware of His message for me?

I only want to use His building blocks as I reform who I am.

I've been immersing myself in all things spiritual.  It has brought me much comfort.

This, in particular, has been a sweet blessing.  {The wrong song was attached to that.  Not sure how that happened.  But, it's correct, now.}

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Finding Joy... and myself.

I tried writing, yesterday.  But, I couldn't.  Not without being completely negative and depressed.

I watched the movie, Inside Out, yesterday.  It was my first time seeing it all the way, through.  I loved it, to say the very least.

*Spoiler Alert if you haven't seen it*

I was so disgusted with Sadness.  I wanted her kicked out of Head Quarters.  I hated that she kept trying to ruin the happiness.  Joy tried very hard to keep her from touching any memories at all, which I was rooting for.

Then Sadness really screwed things up and almost lost the Core Memories and got herself and Joy sucked out of Head Quarters.  Basically, she was ruining everything.  It was because of all this, Rylie was starting to lose track of who she was inside.  She was crumbling.

But then Joy made a discovery with one of the Core Memories she was trying so hard to protect... If it hadn't been for Sadness, the happy part of the memory might never have happened.

I feel like I've been stripped of my very own Joy because of loser Sadness.

I've been sort of freaking out, lately, worrying that the medicine is done doing its thing and this is as good as it gets.  I read a couple of places online that one of the meds I was on has the ability to permanently damage one's brain.  That had me really freaking out.  (This is why they tell you to stay off the internet when you're facing an ailment of sorts.)

As I was driving, yesterday, I had somewhat of an epiphany, though.  Without Sadness, we wouldn't know Joy.  I got to thinking, maybe the medicine is done and I need to relearn how to be happy.  I learned a long time, ago, that happiness is a choice - you have to choose to be happy.  I have always believed that I had that ability - to be happy, no matter what.  My happy muscle has been in a wheelchair, so to speak, for years.  It hasn't had to do anything because there were meds doing all the work.  Well, now the meds are gone.  And I have to learn how to use that muscle, again.  I have to exercise it and make it strong, again.  And, so far - this is hard.

I read another's story of finding strength, this morning.  She referred to the song Moana sings to Te-Ka, as she walks towards her, at the end:

I have crossed the horizon to find you.
I know your name.
They have stolen the heart from inside you.
But this does not define you.
This is not who you are.
You know who you are.

Then she goes on to write, "You are not defined by your darkest hour.  You are greater than what has been stolen from you.  It is never too late to heal.  It is never too late to make a fresh start.  It is never too late to have your heart restored."

I want this for myself.

Friday, July 7, 2017


So, for a long time, it seemed, there was a lot of anger.  So. much. anger.

Then, it kinda stopped a little... and turned into a depression of sorts.

Then, a few days, ago, I had neither.  I felt mellow? I don't know how to describe it.  But, then it kinda went to a depression/nothingness.  Just low.  Nothing.  And my brain has been laggy.  Coming up with words, forming sentences, functioning in certain situations... not happenin'.  It's been weird.

I told my husband about it - he said it's like a computer that crashed and has to reboot... and is doing so, slowly.

That just made sense.  My computer was on the fritz.  I rebooted.  Now, I'm slowly coming back online.

Only, this time, no fritz.  Just me.  I'm sincerely hoping this is par for the course - and that soon I'll be myself, again.

I'm not angry, anymore.  In fact, I'm able to calm myself rather well.  It's been nice.  I still have a smallish moment where I want to scream, but it passes, quickly, if I don't pay it any heed.  I still have moments of just wanting to not exist.  But, those pass, too.  My husband has been super lovey and attentive and patient.... it's kinda getting on my nerves.  ha ha I'm a very independent person; always have been.  I need my space.  I try to tell him this, nicely, all the time.  He forgets, I think.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017


Today was a good day.

I felt so good.

There was no anger.

There was no depression.

I was happy.

I found a little of myself.

I felt free.

I prayed very specifically for this.  We had a day of family activities planned and I did not want to ruin it or have it ruined.  I so badly wanted this day to just be good.

And it was.  And I'm so thankful for that.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I was given today.  And, for now, that's enough.