Thursday, June 16, 2016

Anxiety-ness

I'm having anxiety about opening up, like this.  My mom once told me that I handed the enemy my weapon when I told her about sharing my mental issues (not quite sure what they were, then) with a roommate I did not get along with.

I have learned to not talk.  I used to be (and still can be) an open book, but that just caused pain.  There's the saying, "Casting your pearls before swine"... I've come to accept myself in ways I know no one else can, or so I feel.  I've learned to be patient with myself and recognize things I can and can't control (for the most part - I'm a work, in progress).  I love my husband but he has struggled with this "madness" since the beginning of our marriage.  He has said he doesn't believe there's something wrong - that I'm making this up.  I should just stop worrying about things, so much, and just snap out of it.*  The person I considered my best friend made it sound like the things I face are nothing; that she faces things just like it and that I was just making a big deal out of it.  She didn't take me seriously.

I've often been treated like I have no right to be genuinely angry because I have mental issues.  That, surely, must be the cause; not the fact that someone actually did something to piss me, off.  I've been treated like, since I'm on medication, I shouldn't be angry or in a bad mood or whatever.... I've also been treated like the opposite:  If I'm in a bad mood, or having a "down day", that is not taken into consideration.  I must be mad about something.  I must be mad at someone.

It's so exhausting and frustrating.  So, I've learned to just keep it inside.  I hesitate to talk about pretty much anything, because I never know what reaction I'll get.  I've come to the conclusion (mostly on my "down days") that life would just be easier if no one had to live with me and I didn't have to live with anyone, else.

I feel like, if I expose this part of my self to the world, I won't have anything left.  I hold myself very sacred, if you will.  I know that sounds funny, but I don't feel comfortable putting myself out there for others to judge or feel sorry for or whatever.  I share what I want until I feel I can trust you, completely.  Even then, I keep a lot to myself.

I originally wanted to share this part of myself so people could better understand me.  I also felt if I did this, maybe someone else could read it and recognize these things in their own life and have the courage to seek help or talk about it.

Now, I don't know.  There are things that might be hurtful to others; things that are too personal to share, that, frankly, are nobody's business.  There are things that are specific to other people that they might not want me sharing or that will hurt their feelings.

This is a big thing.  I don't know if I should continue.

p.s.  I'm not posting this so people can be, like, "Oh, you need to share this!" or "Please, I think what you're doing is very brave!".  I just don't want it to sound like I'm digging for support or whatever... just what's on my mind.  Welcome to being me.



*I have to add, that he has made it a goal to pray about this to have Heavenly Father's point of view.  He's made it a goal to learn more about my "situation" - ha ha.  I'll take it.  I pray he'll understand.  I have to give him credit for staying with someone who hasn't even known what was going on in her own mind for 16 years.

3 comments:

  1. I've learned that people's reaction to us, no matter what it is, is more about them than it is us. Maybe if you can get to a place of believing that, it will be easier to share yourself because you will know that it doesn't matter how people react to what you have to say. Sharing your story and experiences is just that... it's sharing who you are and what you see. That's not right, wrong, or anything in between... it just is.

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  2. I've learned that people's reaction to us, no matter what it is, is more about them than it is us. Maybe if you can get to a place of believing that, it will be easier to share yourself because you will know that it doesn't matter how people react to what you have to say. Sharing your story and experiences is just that... it's sharing who you are and what you see. That's not right, wrong, or anything in between... it just is.

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  3. Thank you. That's very true. I wish it was that easy. I don't want people who don't know this, about me, to see me differently, once they know. I feel it's very therapeutic to share these things and write them, down. Plus, I feel the need to express myself, in writing. I always have. :)

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