Sunday, June 26, 2016

Divine Mind-bending

God gets me through.

Last night, I noticed I had run out of my meds... the day, before.  The pharmacy was closed, so I just had to tough it out.  I've done this, before, and it sucked.

It'd most likely bore you to hear about what happens in a manic-depressive brain, with or without meds, so I won't go into that.

What happens when I don't take them is just... well, not good.

Mentally, I usually experience irritability the following day (I take them after dinner).  I get uber-emotional.  Stupid things make me all teary and sad and oh-woe-is-me.  It just makes my feelings all sensitive and wimpy.

Physically, I usually get a headache.  I also experience what I call brain buzzes or zaps.  I liken it to a guitar string being plucked.  Very weird stuff.  Here's a link I found and some wordage from it:

"Brain zaps are commonly reported electrical shock sensations that are often experienced during discontinuation of antidepressant medications. Other common names for brain zaps include: brain shivers, electrical shocks, and brain shocks. People often describe them as feeling electrical current uncontrollably zapping their brains, which can be extremely frightening and uncomfortable. A person experiencing these zaps may get dizzy, feel minor pain, and high levels of discomfort."

Last night was no exception.  

It was 2am and I had been having a hard time sleeping, as it was.  I started dreaming, seemingly very suddenly.  I remember hearing Josh Groban singing one of my favorite songs by him.  He was to my right, and someone was with him.  A female? I couldn't see him; only hear him, actually.  I was trying to think of the person who was there, or his name... can't remember**.  I just remember there was a first and last name that was escaping my mind.  Whenever I would try to think of it, something very dark, to my left, would exude a horrible sensation of evil and it terrified me.  It came in waves, it seemed.  Or, bursts, maybe? I would wake up, a little, and the same feeling would come from the darkness to the left, of me.  The same waves of terror kept filling the room.  Each time, I would hear the fan at the foot of our bed rev its engine, so to speak.  The sound of it would grow in intensity.  

I drifted in and out of sleep, like this, for a few minutes, or so it seemed.  I was finally able to leave the dream world and stay in mine... but the fear was so strong, still.  There was still something to the left of me, in my room, that was terrifying me.  I wrapped my covers, around me, moved my pillow to as close to my husband, as possible, and prayed and prayed.  I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to please, please, please, make whatever evil thing that was in my house, LEAVE.  I begged Him to keep me and my family safe and to help me stop being scared.  Over and over, again, I prayed like this.  I couldn't feel a release from the grasp of whatever horrible thing was taking over me.  I thought to wake up my husband - I needed his comfort; his protection.  I knew he could help me feel safe.  I seemed too tired and paralyzed with fear to get myself to move, and couldn't do it.  I, then, woke more fully to find the fan wasn't making any noises other than what it normally does.

Then my brain zapped.

The fan made the noise.

I then recognized that my brain was zapping, almost continuously, and it was effecting my hearing.  It was causing this feeling of terror.

I knew, then, I had to wake up my husband.  I needed a priesthood blessing... I needed Heavenly Father's physical intervention.  My lack of meds was truly screwing with my mind.

I woke him and he laid his hands on my head and spoke the words.  I was instantly relieved.  I cried tears of relief and gratitude as I was finally able to sleep.

I cannot express, enough, how much the Lord means to me.  I know He is there when I need Him.  I know the power of the priesthood is real and am so thankful my husband is worthy of holding those keys.  I know, without the Lord, I would not be able to survive what I have.  I know I wouldn't have found the comfort I have so needed in times of seeming despair.

I know this.  I know it.

Today has been a rather weepy and emotional day.  I, of course, am tired from the rough night.  We talked about the priesthood, a lot, in church, today, which sparked a lot of emotion, followed by treacherous tears.  I learned of a family member who is going through a rough time, which made the tears even more plentiful.  Then, my husband has to go and leave town for business.  That's not helping, either.

I'm looking forward to an evening of hopeful peace.  I'm not looking forward to being alone.  Well, without my husband next to me, in the night.  I know I'm not alone, though.  Nor will I ever be.

The Lord is always with me, of this I know.  And I'm thankful for that.

** As I write this, out, it occurs to me the name I was trying to remember started with an "M".  Then, I realize, Matt was sleeping next to me, on my right.  Was it him I was trying to think of? Why was this thing in the darkness trying to prevent me from thinking about him? Then, when I was awake, why did I feel unable to reach out to him? Was there something really there, trying to keep me from getting to my husband for that precious access to the Priesthood? Was something really trying to keep me from  Heavenly Father's hands being placed by proxy on my head, for healing?  Is that how Joseph Smith felt in the sacred grove?

I looked up the translation to the lyrics of that song, just to see if it had any meaning in my dream.  I haven't heard it in so very many months, I thought it was odd to appear out of the depths of my mind.  I am feeling quite disturbed by its meaning.  It talks of loss of love, of betrayal of sorts, of losing faith in love and promising never to fall for that, again.  I couldn't even finish the song.  Was whatever it was, in the darkness, trying to get me to think these things about my husband? I know this may be delving a bit too deep into the mysterious dream realm, but other events in my life lead me to believe this isn't just coincidence.

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