Thursday, August 18, 2016


I forgot about this blog... that's how good I've been feeling.

I realized, rather quickly, that going off my meds would not be wise, at this time in my life.  It would take a lot of inner-focus and constant attention to myself.  I have four kids.  That's not realistic.  My son, in particular, needs me to be able to help him focus; having to focus myself, first, wouldn't be helpful.

Plus, I feel pretty fantastic.  So much, that I was seriously thinking I wasn't really sanity-challenged.  I have to think it's because of the meds... I don't recall ever really feeling like this.

My son, I have to say, has been doing so great, lately.  He still gets frustrated, but he's able to calm himself and stay somewhat rational (you know, for a 7 yr old) so he can still control his actions.  That has been such a huge blessing (and relief!).  He still sort of struggles with not getting overwhelmed, easily, but every once in a while, I'll see him taking a deep breath so he can refocus, all over, again.

I'm not naive, enough, to think things will always be this way... but I can hope.

I'm thankful I can focus on the moment; for modern medicine and its ability to aid me in this venture.

And I'm thankful to my Heavenly Father for helping me so I can partner with Him to help my son.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016


I'm having a sad moment.

Not because my brain is chemically-challenged, but because I wasn't heard.

I asked my mom, tonight, about how my temperament was, when I was a kid.  She described pretty much exactly what my 7 year old is having issues, with.

I read somewhere that children who have bipolar often show it aggressively through their behavior, so to speak.  I got this from the internet,

"Unlike most adults who have bipolar disorder, however, children who have pediatric bipolar disorder are characterized by abrupt mood swings, periods of hyperactivity followed by lethargy, intense temper tantrums, frustration and defiant behavior."

This pretty much sums up my boy.

Sort of.

Mostly, he has the intense temper tantrums, the frustration and defiant behavior.

I told my mom, this.  My dad is the one who responded (we were texting).

He said, "This is your dad... who has always had a temper... kicked, screamed, threw rocking chairs at the bathroom door that my sister was cowering behind in fear.  Not bipolar, just high-spirited in every emotion possible.  Please don't rush to a medical conclusion.  Help him understand that self-control covers all of the emotions.  If channeled, properly, will propel him to great heights.  His kindred spirit makes very good sense to me... because he is a lot like me.  Challenging, but worth it."

I think this is one of the best things I've read, in a long time.  It's like I was reading about myself; advice that was directed towards me.

Could I be this same way? 

My dad said, absolutely.

I said I would be scared to go off my meds.

He said, we all have our "meds".  We just use different names for them.

I asked him what his was.

He said, God.

This touched my very soul.

All my life, when I've prayed for guidance in a lot of areas, or what to do to help/fix/whatever, those areas, the answers I always got, were exercise and read the scriptures.

This has me wondering... do I really need meds? Am I really bipolar? Or am I just the high-spirited, passionate, extremely emotional person I always thought I was?

My last post, I contemplated what the meds really do to my brain... Are they merely suppressing the real me - my real emotions, to the point of drastic release, when my body can't physically hold them in, any longer? 

I've been on them for 4 years.  What if I went off them, just to see?

This is what freaks me, out, a little... IF this is who I think I might be, and IF I don't really need them, I would have to self-medicate.  I would need daily, rigorous exercise, daily meditation, daily scripture study, a healthier diet... and better sleep.  

All of these things require self-control, self-discipline... things I've always struggled with.  The very things my son struggles with.

I tried talking to my husband about all of it, asking him, several times, if he was listening (which he assured me, he was).  

He wasn't.  I could tell by the way he replied to all I had said.  I was trying to have a discussion about everything I just said, but I didn't get past the part where I related to what my dad said, as if he was talking about me.  I didn't even try with all the other stuff.  

This is so important to me.  Me.  The person I've lived with and have tried to get to know, my whole life.  I value this topic a great deal.  I've learned I can't talk about it with just anyone.  

My daughter even tried to understand when she saw my husband clearly hadn't.

She didn't.  She tried, though.  I told her, unless you have it or have gone through it, you generally don't "get" it.  Not her fault - just how it is.

I think I need to try a different medication, though.  

The one my dad uses seems to be the best kind.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Dammed Emotions

I had an emotional 24+ hours, this weekend.

It started, Friday, evening.  It continued into Saturday afternoon or so.

It was like I couldn't stop crying.  The onset was caused by a small chain of events that, perhaps, shouldn't have been that emotional.  But I cried, anyway.

Then, Saturday afternoon, other things happened that had me crying, again.


What it felt like, though, was a gushing, of sorts.  I truly felt like so much had been "unfelt" for so long, that it just all came flowing out.

I noticed, as I was crying, yet, again, that it wasn't even anything big that had set it off.

It got me to thinking:

My medicine works in such a way, that I do well for so long.  Then, like a dam... it builds up and becomes too much to bear; then a tiny crack in my barrier, caused by something minuscule, causes a massive overflow.  What ensues is usually a bout of depression and sadness.  Then, my mind tries to conjure up every possible thing to be sad, or guilty, about... And the weird part is, it seems like my mind needs it; craves it, even.  I don't know how to explain it.

This is when I find being social, exhausting.  I don't want to talk to anyone or be around anyone.

This is when I don't want people to know this part, about me.  This is when I fear people I'm just getting to know will find out and feel differently about our relationship.

Then, it goes away, and I'm better, again.  I feel like doing things, again, and being with people, and putting myself out there...

I wonder if my writing it out has been helping.  I'm certainly more aware of my mental state of being and what my possible triggers are.  I'm starting to kind of see a pattern, of sorts.  I'm able to track the length of the ups and downs.

I think it's been most helpful, indeed.  So, I think I shall keep at it.