Monday, August 1, 2016

Dammed Emotions

I had an emotional 24+ hours, this weekend.

It started, Friday, evening.  It continued into Saturday afternoon or so.

It was like I couldn't stop crying.  The onset was caused by a small chain of events that, perhaps, shouldn't have been that emotional.  But I cried, anyway.

Then, Saturday afternoon, other things happened that had me crying, again.

Lame.

What it felt like, though, was a gushing, of sorts.  I truly felt like so much had been "unfelt" for so long, that it just all came flowing out.

I noticed, as I was crying, yet, again, that it wasn't even anything big that had set it off.

It got me to thinking:

My medicine works in such a way, that I do well for so long.  Then, like a dam... it builds up and becomes too much to bear; then a tiny crack in my barrier, caused by something minuscule, causes a massive overflow.  What ensues is usually a bout of depression and sadness.  Then, my mind tries to conjure up every possible thing to be sad, or guilty, about... And the weird part is, it seems like my mind needs it; craves it, even.  I don't know how to explain it.

This is when I find being social, exhausting.  I don't want to talk to anyone or be around anyone.

This is when I don't want people to know this part, about me.  This is when I fear people I'm just getting to know will find out and feel differently about our relationship.

Then, it goes away, and I'm better, again.  I feel like doing things, again, and being with people, and putting myself out there...

I wonder if my writing it out has been helping.  I'm certainly more aware of my mental state of being and what my possible triggers are.  I'm starting to kind of see a pattern, of sorts.  I'm able to track the length of the ups and downs.

I think it's been most helpful, indeed.  So, I think I shall keep at it.

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