Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Misunderstood

I'm having a sad moment.

Not because my brain is chemically-challenged, but because I wasn't heard.

I asked my mom, tonight, about how my temperament was, when I was a kid.  She described pretty much exactly what my 7 year old is having issues, with.

I read somewhere that children who have bipolar often show it aggressively through their behavior, so to speak.  I got this from the internet, psychcentral.com:

"Unlike most adults who have bipolar disorder, however, children who have pediatric bipolar disorder are characterized by abrupt mood swings, periods of hyperactivity followed by lethargy, intense temper tantrums, frustration and defiant behavior."

This pretty much sums up my boy.

Sort of.

Mostly, he has the intense temper tantrums, the frustration and defiant behavior.

I told my mom, this.  My dad is the one who responded (we were texting).

He said, "This is your dad... who has always had a temper... kicked, screamed, threw rocking chairs at the bathroom door that my sister was cowering behind in fear.  Not bipolar, just high-spirited in every emotion possible.  Please don't rush to a medical conclusion.  Help him understand that self-control covers all of the emotions.  If channeled, properly, will propel him to great heights.  His kindred spirit makes very good sense to me... because he is a lot like me.  Challenging, but worth it."

I think this is one of the best things I've read, in a long time.  It's like I was reading about myself; advice that was directed towards me.

Could I be this same way? 

My dad said, absolutely.

I said I would be scared to go off my meds.

He said, we all have our "meds".  We just use different names for them.

I asked him what his was.

He said, God.

This touched my very soul.

All my life, when I've prayed for guidance in a lot of areas, or what to do to help/fix/whatever, those areas, the answers I always got, were exercise and read the scriptures.

This has me wondering... do I really need meds? Am I really bipolar? Or am I just the high-spirited, passionate, extremely emotional person I always thought I was?

My last post, I contemplated what the meds really do to my brain... Are they merely suppressing the real me - my real emotions, to the point of drastic release, when my body can't physically hold them in, any longer? 

I've been on them for 4 years.  What if I went off them, just to see?

This is what freaks me, out, a little... IF this is who I think I might be, and IF I don't really need them, I would have to self-medicate.  I would need daily, rigorous exercise, daily meditation, daily scripture study, a healthier diet... and better sleep.  

All of these things require self-control, self-discipline... things I've always struggled with.  The very things my son struggles with.

I tried talking to my husband about all of it, asking him, several times, if he was listening (which he assured me, he was).  

He wasn't.  I could tell by the way he replied to all I had said.  I was trying to have a discussion about everything I just said, but I didn't get past the part where I related to what my dad said, as if he was talking about me.  I didn't even try with all the other stuff.  

This is so important to me.  Me.  The person I've lived with and have tried to get to know, my whole life.  I value this topic a great deal.  I've learned I can't talk about it with just anyone.  

My daughter even tried to understand when she saw my husband clearly hadn't.

She didn't.  She tried, though.  I told her, unless you have it or have gone through it, you generally don't "get" it.  Not her fault - just how it is.

I think I need to try a different medication, though.  

The one my dad uses seems to be the best kind.

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