Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Can't Breathe


I used to think it was something people made up; that it wasn't a big deal.

That is, until I realized I suffered from the same affliction.

When I make a mental picture of what my insides feel like, at the moment, I see myself standing between two very tall stacks of teetering darkness.  They have a physical form, of some sort, but mostly they're just dark.  

I feel like it's up to me to keep them from collapsing and I have to keep myself from running away from this precarious situation.

I feel like it might all come crashing down on me and I don't know how to make it stay - or if I even have the strength, to do so.  

I have so many people depending on me and this balancing act.

Today, I want to hide.  I feel like the pressure is too much and everything is going to crumble, all around me.  It feels like an inevitable doom and I just don't know if I can do it.

I feel like it's my fault.  It most likely is, this stress I'm feeling.  

It's hard when it shouldn't be hard.  

I feel like I'm swimming against the current... and if I stop, I'm not the only one who will drown.  

I have to force myself to get dressed, daily, because it would just be so much easier to not to.

I feel stress-paralyzed and it takes all my energy to keep going; to accomplish the next task.  

I've heard the state of one's room reflects the state of ones mind.

My room has been a mess, full of clutter and unfinished projects and good-intentions and it feels like I'm not ever going to get on top of it.  It feels like I never have enough time.

I can't wait for this to pass and for the feeling of invincibility to return.

Monday, September 19, 2016


I've still been feeling pretty good, lately.  I've had a small moment, or two, where stress has gotten, to me, but I was able to push through and survive without a major downfall.  

I still have anxiety... it's not great.  I've tried upping my meds, in the past, but it just made me feel weird and didn't do much, so I'm learning to cope and recognize it for what it is.  

Other than that, I don't have much to say.