Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Can't Breathe

Anxiety.

I used to think it was something people made up; that it wasn't a big deal.

That is, until I realized I suffered from the same affliction.

When I make a mental picture of what my insides feel like, at the moment, I see myself standing between two very tall stacks of teetering darkness.  They have a physical form, of some sort, but mostly they're just dark.  

I feel like it's up to me to keep them from collapsing and I have to keep myself from running away from this precarious situation.

I feel like it might all come crashing down on me and I don't know how to make it stay - or if I even have the strength, to do so.  

I have so many people depending on me and this balancing act.

Today, I want to hide.  I feel like the pressure is too much and everything is going to crumble, all around me.  It feels like an inevitable doom and I just don't know if I can do it.

I feel like it's my fault.  It most likely is, this stress I'm feeling.  

It's hard when it shouldn't be hard.  

I feel like I'm swimming against the current... and if I stop, I'm not the only one who will drown.  

I have to force myself to get dressed, daily, because it would just be so much easier to not to.

I feel stress-paralyzed and it takes all my energy to keep going; to accomplish the next task.  

I've heard the state of one's room reflects the state of ones mind.

My room has been a mess, full of clutter and unfinished projects and good-intentions and it feels like I'm not ever going to get on top of it.  It feels like I never have enough time.

I can't wait for this to pass and for the feeling of invincibility to return.


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