Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Antidote

Every once in a while, something deep inside me, surfaces.

It's like I'm an amnesiac and parts of what I've forgotten, glimmer in my mind.  

If I'm not paying attention, they don't last long.  They disappear and life, as I know it, goes on.

But, there have been times when I catch them before they slip, away.  

I've caught one.  And I'm not letting it go.

I've forgotten who I am.  I've realized, I don't have a goal of who or what I want to become.  I've been simply existing; living without a purpose.

I'm not ok with this.

I've had a plethora of thoughts wafting through my mind, of late.  They've finally come to fruition.

I need to become stronger; mentally, physically and spiritually.

I need to be able to stand up for myself.  I need to be able to stand, alone.  I need to be able to stand firm.

I haven't been doing that.  I've been codependent on someone and some things that aren't doing me any favors.  They've been preying on my weaknesses and exploiting them.  They've been holding me, back; keeping me down.  Not intentionally, I'm sure, but still... 

So, there it is.  My goal, if you will:  to become stronger.  

I can't help but think it will help with the issues that plague my mind on a daily basis.  

Friday, October 7, 2016

Poisoned

I have sometimes wondered if part of my issues (or a great deal of them) stem from the effect of toxic people, in my life.  One, in particular.

If I were to distance myself, from this person, would my stress level and anxiety and depressed days be fewer and far-between? I can't help but think the answer is yes.

But, what if I can't? What if that's easier said than done? What if this person senses my pulling away and is doing whatever it takes to bridge that gap, only to unintentionally burn said bridge, later? 

I feel trapped and powerless, at times, which makes me feel like I'm losing myself.  I hate that feeling.  I hate feeling like there isn't much I can do about that.  But, even more, so, I hate feeling incompetent because of how I'm treated by this person.  I hate feeling like I'm never good enough because I'm not living up to this person's unrealistic expectations.  I hate having to fight, all the dang time, for myself; for who I am.  I hate having to stand up for myself, to someone I should never have to stand up, to.  

What if I am losing myself?

What if my brain is being permanently affected?

Why does this have to be so hard?