Monday, April 17, 2017

It's Come to This

My mind has been plagued with thoughts of going off my meds.  I couldn't keep track of all my thoughts, so I took a notebook with me to church, yesterday, and just started writing.

Here's what I wrote:

I need to write this down.  My head is full of constant thoughts of crazy.  I normally would've typed it out.  My brain goes faster than my hand.

I want to get off my meds.  I need to get off my meds.  I feel like I'm getting worse.  They're certainly not helping.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I can't function.  I'm on the verge of tears all the time.  I feel like I'm on the edge and it won't take much to push me over.  I'm married to someone with high expectations that I can't live up to.  I don't want to be constantly reminded of my "flaws".  I don't want someone to have to live with them, but even more, I don't need a reminder that I can' even live up to my own expectations, let alone someone else's.

Do I even need medication? I was thinking, this morning - when did this start? I was trying to remember as far back as I could.  Early high school.  That's when I stopped being as physically active as I was as a kid.  I got sick and had to specifically avoid physical activity.  I was tired all the time.  I slept a lot but it was never enough.  My dad said Quin is just like him and needs physical activity.  Quin needs physical activity or it affects him in a negative manner.  He can't cope.  My dad has never not been physically active.  I used to be, then I couldn't, and that's when it all went downhill.  For as long as I can remember, whenever I prayed for healing or comfort or guidance, exercise and reading my scriptures was the answer.  Exercise.  I've always felt so aware of myself, like I was on the outside, looking in.  No, that's not entirely accurate.  I feel like I can see what I'm doing and feel what I'm feeling, but can't do anything about it - I can't control it.  I always feel the need to make excuses for my behavior, like I need to tell people this is why I suck at life.  But, I'm always afraid I'll sound like I'm making it up.  Maybe there's something to that.  Maybe I don't fully buy it, myself.  I'm a strong person - always have been.  Is there such things as high-functioning bipolar? Maybe I started feeling depressed in high school because I wasn't constantly moving.  Maybe I'm not bipolar.  Maybe I'm not anything.  Maybe my meds really are just messing with my head.  I feel they're starting to mess with my train of thought.  I'll be talking, then, mid-sentence, lose my words.  It's like my brain will hit a brick wall.  Maybe I am just a passionate person, prone to extreme emotions because my body simply cannot handle my mental capacity.

I have a higher than average IQ.  (I've taken several tests and they all average out to the same number.) I don't need meds for that.  I need to stay close to the Lord and keep my body going so it can keep up with my brain.

This is coming from my Heavenly Father.  (My thoughts are being guided.)

I want to start from scratch.  I want to be medicine - free.  I want to get all drugs out of my system so I can see what my body truly needs.

Before medication, I remember being irritable.  I remember still feeling ups and downs.  And being impulsive.  I'm still impulsive.  Manic? It comes and goes.  Not able to function? It comes and goes.  Extreme emotions.

I know it will be hard to "self-medicate".  Exercise and scriptures will have to be a huge and regular part of my every day life.  Just thinking about it exhausts me.  Trying to fake happiness is becoming unbearable, though.  Not being able to function is becoming unbearable.  Always questioning and being plagued with guilt for not being good enough is becoming unbearable.

Aren't people who really do suffer from mental illness oblivious to the problem? I'm so aware, I feel like it shouldn't be real.  What if it's not? What if I've been fine, but I'm such a control freak, I had to label it or have something to blame so it would be easier to not have to work hard to change it.  Maybe it's the meds that's been causing my problems, all these years.

I believe the body and the mind can heal itself.  I believe that's how Heavenly Father made us.  I believe I have access to part of my brain that few do.  I've always felt that.  I believe I have it in my power to maintain a healthy mental state.  I know it will take constant work, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I think I'm going to go off my meds.

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