Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Not Me


I learned that phrase from a movie, once.

I haven't been able to shake this down phase.  It's been going on for like a month or something.

I have been avoiding.  The opposite of that would mean thinking of and listing every single thing that needs to be done and since I can't do it all right now, I freak out and shut down.  So, I avoid.

Have I always been like this? I can't really remember.  I can't remember times when I wasn't on medication vs. the times I was.  It's all blendy.

I keep thinking, maybe if I go off my medication, it would be better.  I don't feel like it's doing what it's supposed to be doing.  I feel like I'm being pushed down; sometimes held down.  I feel like I can't function.  So, I Netflix.  I Netflix until I'm numb.  One episode after the other.  I can't stand to not shut down; it's too much.  My brain tries to think of everything all at once and I feel anxiety and like I'm failing because I'm not getting it all done.  I feel like my children are seeing me as a failure and my husband is seeing me as a failure.  He has said as much.  There are times when he understands and is so patient, but other times, I can tell he can't stand it.  And I hate that.

I remember yelling a lot.  I remember being stressed and easily irritable.  I don't do that, medicated.  I don't ever want to be like that, again.  But I hate this.  I hate wondering if I need medication.  I hate wondering if it could be better.  I hate wondering if it would be the same as being medicated and I'm just pumping my brain full of unnecessary drugs.  I'm afraid of withdrawal if I do decide to go off of them.

Scriptures and exercise.  Those are the answers I've always been given when I pray about what to do.  This was before medication.  I'm sure it still stands.

I do remember certain things about not being medicated, and they're no different, now.  I would think medication is supposed to help those certain things.  I would think being on an antidepressant should make it so I don't get depressed.  I would hope it would make it so I don't get stress-paralyzed.  I would think it would make my manic moments less... manic. So I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to think.  I know it'll pass.  I don't know when and I hate having to explain to my family why I can't seem to get dressed until 6pm, some days.  12pm, most days.  I don't even shower that much, anymore.  I hate it.  I feel like I can't control it.  I feel like I can think about it and think about it and see myself doing it and know that I need to do it, but physically, I just sit there.  I can't bear the thought of actually doing it.  It would mean having to find clothes.  It would mean having to do something with my hair.  It would mean taking 30 minutes out of my day when I could be doing other things, those things that pile up and overwhelm me in my head that never get done because I choose not to get dressed.  I choose to shut down and Netflix.  I choose to escape my life.

What if the medication is making me this way? What if it isn't? What if this is as good as it's going to get?

I can't stand it.  I hate feeling like a failure.  I hate feeling so.... stress-paralyzed.  I hate it.  And I feel like I can't figure out what to do about that.  I wish I had someone to tell me.  I wish I didn't have to hear about how the house isn't clean, again.  I wish I didn't have to hear about the dishes not being done or the laundry not put away or dinner not being ready.  I hate it.  And I don't know what to do about that.

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