Rock Bottom

I lost it on Friday.  I think I was finally pushed over the edge.  Maybe I fell.  Who knows.

Whatever the case, I hit hard when I reached the bottom.

I'm recording this because I feel it will help the healing process.

I realized something about myself that I've been fighting to convince my husband (and myself), otherwise, for years.  It was a hard hit.  I think I needed it, though.  In order to be able to fix it, I needed to drop my shield of denial and expose it for what it is.

I felt raw and maybe a little fragile, Friday night and Saturday, which was hard because we were on a camping trip with friends.

Sunday, I felt a little better.  I felt like I was beginning to take control and heal.  I felt a little hesitant, but knew that I needed to keep moving forward.

I felt broken.  That's the best way I can describe it.  I truly felt like I really did suck at life.  I felt super insecure; my confidence had been shattered, or so it felt.

But, Sunday, I felt a little better.  I felt like, if anything was going to change, I had to make it happen.

I went to get blood drawn, yesterday.  One of the things my new PCP is looking for is a genetic defect that affects the brain and heart, among other things.  I did a little bit of research on it, and it sounds like it could possibly be a fit.  The reason she thought to test for this is because of my dad and my son and our similar temperaments.  Also, the heart thing.  My dad's dad died from a heart attack (his second one), and my dad has had nine heart attacks since the age of 35.  I'm 39.  My cholesterol has always been high, even when I was physically active and totally fit.  I know my son and I have some chromosomal abnormalities; a few of them are the same.  I don't know if my dad has them or if they have anything to do with this genetic defect, if it even is a thing.  I'm almost hoping it is, because then I have proof - something solid I can research and treat and understand.

I'm still moving forward.  I can't afford not to.


*** UPDATE ***

I do not have the genetic defect.  I was bummed, to be honest.  But, if you'll read one of my next few posts, I've come upon a realization that pretty much changes everything.