I lost it on Friday. I think I was finally pushed over the edge. Maybe I fell. Who knows.
Whatever the case, I hit hard when I reached the bottom.
I'm recording this because I feel it will help the healing process.
I realized something about myself that I've been fighting to convince my husband (and myself), otherwise, for years. It was a hard hit. I think I needed it, though. In order to be able to fix it, I needed to drop my shield of denial and expose it for what it is.
I felt raw and maybe a little fragile, Friday night and Saturday, which was hard because we were on a camping trip with friends.
Sunday, I felt a little better. I felt like I was beginning to take control and heal. I felt a little hesitant, but knew that I needed to keep moving forward.
I felt broken. That's the best way I can describe it. I truly felt like I really did suck at life. I felt super insecure; my confidence had been shattered, or so it felt.
But, Sunday, I felt a little better. I felt like, if anything was going to change, I had to make it happen.
I went to get blood drawn, yesterday. One of the things my new PCP is looking for is a genetic defect that affects the brain and heart, among other things. I did a little bit of research on it, and it sounds like it could possibly be a fit. The reason she thought to test for this is because of my dad and my son and our similar temperaments. Also, the heart thing. My dad's dad died from a heart attack (his second one), and my dad has had nine heart attacks since the age of 35. I'm 39. My cholesterol has always been high, even when I was physically active and totally fit. I know my son and I have some chromosomal abnormalities; a few of them are the same. I don't know if my dad has them or if they have anything to do with this genetic defect, if it even is a thing. I'm almost hoping it is, because then I have proof - something solid I can research and treat and understand.
I'm still moving forward. I can't afford not to.
*** UPDATE ***
I do not have the genetic defect. I was bummed, to be honest. But, if you'll read one of my next few posts, I've come upon a realization that pretty much changes everything.