Thursday, May 11, 2017

Progress - Day 8

I feel like I put up this facade of not being a failure; of holding it, together.

Then something happens and I fall apart.  I drop the heavy load that I've been struggling to hold up, and it crashes down on me.

And I feel all failure-y, again.

So many things stress me out, and I either avoid them like a boss or pretend I can handle it.

What a crock.

Something I've been using to my advantage as I wean off my meds, is I can control myself.  I can control how I handle things or react to things.  I don't have a mental illness to blame.  (Well, that's to be debated; but for now, I blame the meds for my idiosyncrasies.)

I've been holding up, rather well, I think.  I've read stories of others who go off the meds I'm on, only to struggle through a year of withdrawal or have to go back on them because their brain can't handle thinking on its own.  I know I have the Lord on my side, and I couldn't be more grateful for that.  So, though I am not handling stress as well as I try to show that I am, at least I'm handling it.  I have the choice to fall into a depression.  The mind is a very powerful thing.  Inner strength has always been one of my better qualities; I think I've lost sight of that.

I feel super tired, lately.  I also feel motivated to accomplish things; and not in a maniacal way - just a normal because-it-needs-to-be-done way.  And I do them.  And it feels good.

I still have one med to start weaning.  I plan to do that, today.

As for the stress? I have a new bike that will take care of that.  (Well, not new - but perfect, just the same.)

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