Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Weaning - Day 1

I did it.  I started taking a smaller dose of my meds, last night.  With my doctor's guidance, of course.

Well, there are two and I could only afford to refill one (I still have some left, of the other).  So, I'm reducing one of them, starting last night - I take my pills with dinner.

I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen.  I'm anxious.  I wanted to keep a record of what seems to be going through my head, so I can keep my mind clear on what's going on as much as possible.

I slept almost 8 hours, last night; yet, I feel like I only slept for three.  And my balance is being affected.

When I first started this medication, it was because of postpartum depression.  It was bad.  But that's another blog post, altogether.  So, essentially, I've been on this particular medication for five years.  The side effects were weird:  tinnitus, decreased pupillary reflex, loss of equilibrium, my nether regions were slow to react (if you know what I mean.... TMI? Yes.  Yes, it is.).  I can't remember if I had any others; those are the ones I really noticed.  One time I went into the bathroom, turned around to close the door; next thing I know, I'm on the floor.  I fell.  Just lost my balance.  It was weird.  It was also weird to watch my pupils react as if I were high.

I still have the ringing in the ears.  I get a headache if I forget my meds for a day.  I also get brain buzzes if I forget.  I think I also got those at the beginning, for a while, too.  Look it up - it's a thing.  It feels as if someone is plucking a guitar string in my brain.  From the research I did, it's my brain forming connections because of the medication.  Or something like that.  ha ha

I took my first lower dose with dinner, last night.  This morning, I could tell my equilibrium was off.  So much, that I was nervous about carrying a full laundry basket down the stairs.  I was slightly worried about driving my son to seminary.

And I'm tired.  I'm always tired, though, so it's hard to tell if this is because of the other.  I know I hate it, though.  I can't read a book or watch a flick or, in general, sit for very long without being tempted to sleep.  It sucks.

I asked my husband to give me a blessing, this evening.  I know that will help.

I'm having anxiety about doing this.  I have to keep reminding myself that it's ok - I don't feel like I shouldn't.  **I just had an epiphany (Divinely inspired, I'm sure):  If it ain't broke, don't fix it.  That's what's kept going through my head as I've been praying about this next step in my mental health.  My following thought would be, "It's not fixed.  It still feels broke."  Which led me to believe my meds weren't working.  Here's my ah-ha moment:  My mind isn't "broke".  Therefore, I don't need to "fix it".  I don't NEED the meds, anymore! I'm past the postpartum depression, I'm sure.  I don't need them! Well, this is just cool - I feel all kinds of better, now! And lighter... this is the right thing to do! What a relief! I'm so grateful for answered prayers!


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