Monday, June 26, 2017

I'm off.

I feel hesitant in posting, anymore.  I regret sharing.  All because of one person's reaction.

Things have been hard, still.  But mostly on my insides.  I feel anger towards a lot of things.  It's hard to control it, but I do.

My family and I had a family council, last night, so we could all talk about it.  I'm big on open communication.  I hate when people let things fester and go unresolved.  That's lame.  This was very helpful and I think we're going to get through this.

I wanted to make note of how my husband is doing with all of this.  He's standing by my side.  I'm pushing him, away, and he's just patiently waiting for the real me to emerge.  He tries to take over if something is starting to push me over the edge and offers to do things so I don't have to fall apart under the stress.  It's been nice.  Also, I've noticed when I loathe being touched and feel like a ticking time bomb, a hug from him actually helps.  Even the thought of being touched, right now, makes me want to punch someone, but strangely, it helps.

My daughter was avoiding me because she was afraid I would just yell at her, which would make me yell at her because I hated that she was avoiding me.  It was horrible.  But, we talked and I'm hoping we're getting past that, too.

My son was assuming that every time I yelled, it was because I was going off my meds.  I made it very clear that I still have anger rights.  If they're being idiots, yes, that will make me mad.  I told them I do have the right to be angry for legitimate reasons.

I hate this.  I hate feeling like I'm going off the deep end over dumb things.  I hate that I have to constantly keep my anger in check so I don't lose it all over people.  And, yes - I use the word "hate" quite liberally because that is EXACTLY how I feel.

Last night was the first night of not taking any of these meds.  So, it's official.  I'm off my meds, now.

I just re-read a post prior to this one, about being in control and having more power than I ever gave myself credit for.  I realize, again, that I do have a lot of inner strength.  It really is quite difficult to not beat the snot out of everything.  I feel like a three year old must feel - all these big feelings and no clue what to do with them, so I want to throw a fit.  I want to kick and scream and yell and hit and throw things and just be mad all the time.  But I don't.  I want to cry and give up and pout and sit with a blanket over my head and hide from the world.  But I don't.  I write this down because some day, when this crap is over, I'm going to want to do something big and I'm going to know I can do it because I did this.  If I can get through this, if I can get through postpartum depression, I can do anything.  I know I have it in me, because I'm seeing it, right now.  I know I have the Lord on my side.  Bring it, world.

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