Sunday, June 18, 2017

The Whole Picture

My last post was a bit harsh.  I was venting.

I started this blog to share with others what goes through my head.  Writing is very therapeutic for me.  But, I soon changed my mind and decided to not tell others about it.  I know some people knew, as I could see that I had readers, but I don't know who they are and don't want to know.  All I know is what I was writing was very personal and others might not understand.  Others might judge me for my words.  I didn't want that.  But I didn't want to stop, either, so I just kept it to myself.

Recently, I decided to share all of this.  I can't say I don't regret that.  In fact, after this, I'm going to stop letting people know when I post things.  If you still want to follow along, by all means.  You'll just have to find a way to follow without my lead.  Just don't judge me.  I don't sugar-coat things.  I keep it real.  This blog runs the risk of getting ugly or unpleasant or uncomfortable.  But that's just part of my story.

My last post is only about 10% of my day.  Sometimes more, mostly less.  Those moments are just intense in nature and tend to make up for lost time.  For the most part, I can control my emotions.  For the most part, I don't yell at people.  For the most part, I can keep my anger and depression and tears under wraps.  Every moment is a learning opportunity for me and those around me.  My son has learned how to diffuse a possible unnecessary argument between the two of us.  My daughter and I are learning to just walk away from each other because neither of us back down from a fight.  I am learning how to keep calm and control my voice, which effectually calms me, more.  My husband and I have a very open communication about all of this and, again, every moment is a learning opportunity for both of us.  We are working on this.  It's not easy.  It's not always hard, though, either.  My brain has been dulled by powerful mind-benders for so long, it needs a moment to regroup.  (Ok, I lied - I totally sugar-coated that last statement.)

I know what I'm doing and I know I'm doing the right thing.  I don't need others to agree.  I think I put that down there for my own benefit, mostly.  I'm starting to question my own sanity and feel like by me defending it, again only diminishes my credibility.  Which really just pisses me off.  I have been fighting more ugly thoughts in my head, but I'm learning how to keep it in.  I'm now thinking it would be better to do that, in general, anyway.  People can't handle what they don't understand.   I hate that I feel I should censure myslef in order to spare others grief.  I'm not going to.  Everyone has the choice of whether or not they read this.  I still need a place to let it out and work through it.   I'm just not going to share it so openly, anymore.

Please know my life is ok.  This blog is simply for the hard parts.  If you want the good parts, read my other blog.

2 comments:

  1. You are amazing!!! I have always loved that you are real and don't sugar coat the hard stuff. Partly because I suffer too and it's nice to know there's others out there thinking those same things and going through those same hard times. You can do it!! You have been praying about it and you know this is Heavenly Father's plan for you. Lean on him! Love you sweet lady! I hope it starts to get easier! I'll be praying for you and your family.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Cortney. I know you suffer, too. I can't even imagine. You'll be in my prayers, too! :)

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