Yesterday turned out to be a bit rough. I know I'm doing the right thing. I know I have to go through this to get back to who I really am.
But this sucks.
I mostly hate that not everyone knows I'm doing this. I hate that I feel like I either have to explain myself/my behavior or suck it up and hope people don't form a negative opinion of me. Either way, I feel like a loser.
My heart feels fragile, this morning. I was so glad I wasn't feeling depressed; I read it was one of the withdrawal symptoms people experience. I'm hoping it's just because I stayed up a bit too late, last night, and not a thing. I prayed if it is a thing, that it passes, quickly, and that I can get through this without giving in to the ugly. I'm making note of this because I want something to read, if I have to, reminding me I'm not really depressed, I'm not really a failure, people are going to think what they think but that doesn't make me who I am. My life doesn't really suck. Just this moment does.
I almost wish I could retreat from the world until this passes. I've yelled at my poor kids so many times in the past few days, then had to explain how sorry I am and that it's not their fault. I hate that I still have to go on as though nothing's wrong. My house is a mess. My brain is a mess.
I feel like I need to make a PSA to the people of my world - Please know I'm doing my best. I'm sorry if I fail you or forget something or punch you in the face. My brain is temporarily out of order.
Or maybe I can just put a sign around my neck that says, "Please Excuse the Mess".