Thursday, June 8, 2017

Trudging

Yesterday turned out to be a bit rough.  I know I'm doing the right thing.  I know I have to go through this to get back to who I really am.

But this sucks.

I mostly hate that not everyone knows I'm doing this.  I hate that I feel like I either have to explain myself/my behavior or suck it up and hope people don't form a negative opinion of me.  Either way, I feel like a loser.

My heart feels fragile, this morning.  I was so glad I wasn't feeling depressed; I read it was one of the withdrawal symptoms people experience.  I'm hoping it's just because I stayed up a bit too late, last night, and not a thing.  I prayed if it is a thing, that it passes, quickly, and that I can get through this without giving in to the ugly.  I'm making note of this because I want something to read, if I have to, reminding me I'm not really depressed, I'm not really a failure, people are going to think what they think but that doesn't make me who I am.  My life doesn't really suck.  Just this moment does.

I almost wish I could retreat from the world until this passes.  I've yelled at my poor kids so many times in the past few days, then had to explain how sorry I am and that it's not their fault.  I hate that I still have to go on as though nothing's wrong.  My house is a mess.  My brain is a mess.

I feel like I need to make a PSA to the people of my world - Please know I'm doing my best.  I'm sorry if I fail you or forget something or punch you in the face.  My brain is temporarily out of order.

Or maybe I can just put a sign around my neck that says, "Please Excuse the Mess".

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