Saturday, June 17, 2017

Venting, mostly.



I feel like I'm in Hell.  I hate this, so much.  My family is suffering.  They don't understand that I am, too.

My clarity is slipping.  I'm finding it hard to see that this isn't me.  I'm starting to question whether or not this IS the real me.  

I know it must be hard for my family to be supportive when they're the ones who have to deal with the ugly.  But, this isn't fair.  Not at all.  I want nothing to do with my husband, these days.  I can't stand to be touched.  I hate that he thinks he can help me feel better.  He just makes me feel worse simply by being there.  

I'm finding it so hard to fake it.  I feel like I have to work, constantly, at maintaining this facade.  I just want to go about my life without anyone directly in it.  I want them all to go away.  I hate that they see me like this, because it makes me feel like they're just going to remember their mother as some psycho.  I hate being around them because they don't understand; they don't get that this isn't the real me.  I hate having to remind them.  To me, that just diminishes my credibility.  Like the crazy person who claims they're not crazy.  Yeah, right.  That's what they all say.  And the more it's said, the less true it surely is.  

And, Heaven forbid I should actually get angry about anything.  Apparently, since I have no control over my emotions, whatsoever, me being pissed at someone for legitimate reasons is null.  Me being angry with someone for being stupid is just me being my crazy self.  Surely, I must need to go back on my meds because I got mad at someone.  Shame on me.

I'm sure I sound bitter.  I am.  Quite.  I'm angry that I have to go through this.  I'm angry that others are being affected.  I'm angry that they're being jerks about it, at times.  I'm angry that I will be remembered as a jerk, myself.  I'm angry that for so very long, I have had to defend who I am.  For years, I had to keep reminding my husband that some of the things I did were not my fault - they were a product of my mental illness.  I'm angry that I never had said mental illness, I was just being made to think I had it because of the stupid meds I was on.  

I'm just angry.  So very full of rage, angry.  I could take a baseball bat to someones car or punch my fist through a wall, kind of angry.  Angry because anger is a withdrawal symptom.  Angry because I don't even know if I have a valid reason to be angry.  

2 comments:

  1. Here's the good... you are writing... you aren't keeping it inside and a secret. It's okay to be the person you are right now. It's okay that it's affecting the people around you. This life was not meant to be easy. It's a test for all of us. In your current situation you are being tested the way you need to be, and your loved ones are being tested in the way that they need to be. Every struggle that is happening for each of you is shaping you into who you are and will be. It's all intentional. Sometimes it sucks to know it's intentional and that people have to be hurt or uncomfortable or whatever... but that's just the way it is. We do not become more by walking an easy road... we just don't. You and your family will come through this and somewhere down the line something good and amazing is going to come from it. I can promise you that, I believe it with all my heart. You are a good person Jami... maybe some people can't see that right now, but that's okay, it doesn't change the fact that you are. In your heart and at the root of who you are is a brilliant, loving, caring, funny, strong, and resilient person. You're making progress even if you don't feel like you are. Keep going! Love you!

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  2. Thank you, Peggy! I'm so glad you're in my life! :)

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