Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Finding Joy... and myself.

I tried writing, yesterday.  But, I couldn't.  Not without being completely negative and depressed.

I watched the movie, Inside Out, yesterday.  It was my first time seeing it all the way, through.  I loved it, to say the very least.

*Spoiler Alert if you haven't seen it*

I was so disgusted with Sadness.  I wanted her kicked out of Head Quarters.  I hated that she kept trying to ruin the happiness.  Joy tried very hard to keep her from touching any memories at all, which I was rooting for.

Then Sadness really screwed things up and almost lost the Core Memories and got herself and Joy sucked out of Head Quarters.  Basically, she was ruining everything.  It was because of all this, Rylie was starting to lose track of who she was inside.  She was crumbling.

But then Joy made a discovery with one of the Core Memories she was trying so hard to protect... If it hadn't been for Sadness, the happy part of the memory might never have happened.

I feel like I've been stripped of my very own Joy because of loser Sadness.

I've been sort of freaking out, lately, worrying that the medicine is done doing its thing and this is as good as it gets.  I read a couple of places online that one of the meds I was on has the ability to permanently damage one's brain.  That had me really freaking out.  (This is why they tell you to stay off the internet when you're facing an ailment of sorts.)

As I was driving, yesterday, I had somewhat of an epiphany, though.  Without Sadness, we wouldn't know Joy.  I got to thinking, maybe the medicine is done and I need to relearn how to be happy.  I learned a long time, ago, that happiness is a choice - you have to choose to be happy.  I have always believed that I had that ability - to be happy, no matter what.  My happy muscle has been in a wheelchair, so to speak, for years.  It hasn't had to do anything because there were meds doing all the work.  Well, now the meds are gone.  And I have to learn how to use that muscle, again.  I have to exercise it and make it strong, again.  And, so far - this is hard.

I read another's story of finding strength, this morning.  She referred to the song Moana sings to Te-Ka, as she walks towards her, at the end:

I have crossed the horizon to find you.
I know your name.
They have stolen the heart from inside you.
But this does not define you.
This is not who you are.
You know who you are.

Then she goes on to write, "You are not defined by your darkest hour.  You are greater than what has been stolen from you.  It is never too late to heal.  It is never too late to make a fresh start.  It is never too late to have your heart restored."

I want this for myself.

Friday, July 7, 2017


So, for a long time, it seemed, there was a lot of anger.  So. much. anger.

Then, it kinda stopped a little... and turned into a depression of sorts.

Then, a few days, ago, I had neither.  I felt mellow? I don't know how to describe it.  But, then it kinda went to a depression/nothingness.  Just low.  Nothing.  And my brain has been laggy.  Coming up with words, forming sentences, functioning in certain situations... not happenin'.  It's been weird.

I told my husband about it - he said it's like a computer that crashed and has to reboot... and is doing so, slowly.

That just made sense.  My computer was on the fritz.  I rebooted.  Now, I'm slowly coming back online.

Only, this time, no fritz.  Just me.  I'm sincerely hoping this is par for the course - and that soon I'll be myself, again.

I'm not angry, anymore.  In fact, I'm able to calm myself rather well.  It's been nice.  I still have a smallish moment where I want to scream, but it passes, quickly, if I don't pay it any heed.  I still have moments of just wanting to not exist.  But, those pass, too.  My husband has been super lovey and attentive and patient.... it's kinda getting on my nerves.  ha ha I'm a very independent person; always have been.  I need my space.  I try to tell him this, nicely, all the time.  He forgets, I think.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017


Today was a good day.

I felt so good.

There was no anger.

There was no depression.

I was happy.

I found a little of myself.

I felt free.

I prayed very specifically for this.  We had a day of family activities planned and I did not want to ruin it or have it ruined.  I so badly wanted this day to just be good.

And it was.  And I'm so thankful for that.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I was given today.  And, for now, that's enough.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

{More Anger}

Someone brought my family dinner, a few days, ago.  Just because.  She knew I was "stressed" and just offered.  That was huge, for me.  Especially the day she did it.

Someone brought me a happy basket - or a non-stress basket... can't remember what she called it.  It has all kinds of cute things in it, but mostly, her friendship.  Just because.

A friend invited me out to lunch, last minute.  She could've invited anybody, but she chose me.

People have been good to me and I've been seeing tender mercies, this week.  My husband has been a rock star.  He is trying so hard to be helpful.  I actually had to tell him, today, to stop asking how I'm doing.  Just assume my life sucks and I am having a hard time coping, at the moment.  That's how my last week has been.

I'm still fighting anger.  Big time.  But now depression is creeping in.  It really is all I can do to not scream obscenities and throw things and punch things and then just crumble and cry.  Instead, I try to focus on one thing.  Just one.  Start a load of laundry.  Grab something out of the freezer for dinner.  Breathe.  It helps.  It's such a stupid constant battle.  And I hate it almost more than I hated (still hate) postpartum depression.

But, the Lord has my back.  He shows me over and over, again, His love for me through the hands of others.

I'm grateful I'm still receiving blessings in spite of my strong belief I don't deserve them.  My thoughts are riddled with swear words, no joke.  And I feel angry and rebellious and guilty towards certain things.  I hate praying almost as much as I feel the desperate need to.

I'm afraid, though.  How the heck am I going to know what normal is? I remember being so naggy about things not being clean, enough, before meds.  I feel that way, now.  I hate lazy.  I hate messes.  And I have no qualms with letting my kids know, these days.  I can't remember anything other than crap.  My brain is so clouded with just crap.  I hate it.  Like, really hate it.

I've started praying differently, today.  I used to pray for this to pass.  It will.  It better.  But, in the meantime, I'm praying I will make it through, till it does.  If I can make it through without burning any bridges, breaking anything expensive or important, losing my testimony, or damaging any relationships, I think that would be a success.  Mostly, I want so badly to just be happy.  I just want to be me, again.  I hate this, so much.  So. Much.