Sunday, July 2, 2017

{More Anger}

Someone brought my family dinner, a few days, ago.  Just because.  She knew I was "stressed" and just offered.  That was huge, for me.  Especially the day she did it.

Someone brought me a happy basket - or a non-stress basket... can't remember what she called it.  It has all kinds of cute things in it, but mostly, her friendship.  Just because.

A friend invited me out to lunch, last minute.  She could've invited anybody, but she chose me.

People have been good to me and I've been seeing tender mercies, this week.  My husband has been a rock star.  He is trying so hard to be helpful.  I actually had to tell him, today, to stop asking how I'm doing.  Just assume my life sucks and I am having a hard time coping, at the moment.  That's how my last week has been.

I'm still fighting anger.  Big time.  But now depression is creeping in.  It really is all I can do to not scream obscenities and throw things and punch things and then just crumble and cry.  Instead, I try to focus on one thing.  Just one.  Start a load of laundry.  Grab something out of the freezer for dinner.  Breathe.  It helps.  It's such a stupid constant battle.  And I hate it almost more than I hated (still hate) postpartum depression.

But, the Lord has my back.  He shows me over and over, again, His love for me through the hands of others.

I'm grateful I'm still receiving blessings in spite of my strong belief I don't deserve them.  My thoughts are riddled with swear words, no joke.  And I feel angry and rebellious and guilty towards certain things.  I hate praying almost as much as I feel the desperate need to.

I'm afraid, though.  How the heck am I going to know what normal is? I remember being so naggy about things not being clean, enough, before meds.  I feel that way, now.  I hate lazy.  I hate messes.  And I have no qualms with letting my kids know, these days.  I can't remember anything other than crap.  My brain is so clouded with just crap.  I hate it.  Like, really hate it.

I've started praying differently, today.  I used to pray for this to pass.  It will.  It better.  But, in the meantime, I'm praying I will make it through, till it does.  If I can make it through without burning any bridges, breaking anything expensive or important, losing my testimony, or damaging any relationships, I think that would be a success.  Mostly, I want so badly to just be happy.  I just want to be me, again.  I hate this, so much.  So. Much.

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